


Read the Warning Label

by Xela



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Curses, M/M, Porn, Porn Watching, Ridiculous, Shenanigans, Tentacles, Vampires, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-09
Updated: 2011-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-14 14:24:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/150204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xela/pseuds/Xela
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone had to do it eventually: Sam and Dean get trapped in a cursed porno.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Read the Warning Label

“Dean,” Sam grits through his teeth.

“Yeah Sam.”

“I hate you.”

“I hate myself a little bit too, Sammy.” Dean spares a second to flash a huge smile at Sam. “But not as much as I should.” Dean rubs his hands together and moves towards the crowd.

“Dean!” Sam hisses, pulling his brother back towards him.

“What?”

Sam stares at him incredulously. “What do you mean _what?_ ”

“I wanna go have some fun. You know... _fun?_ That thing you do with your--”

“I get it, Dean! But we can't have _fun_ right now.”

“Why not?”

“Why not? WHY NOT?!”

“Well...yeah. If not now, when?”

“Dean! We're trapped in a cursed porno!”

“Yes, Sam, that's my point.”

“You can't go having sex with curse-animated characters!”

“First, please don't devalue what porn stars do by calling their creations of sexual perversity 'characters.' They're bastions of sexual freedom.”

“Has this place warped your brain?”

“Second of all...if not here, _where_? We're in a porno, Sam!”

“A _cursed_ porno, Dean.”

“So?”

“SO, curses, as a rule, are not something you fuck with!”

Dean manages to keep a straight face for about five seconds before he starts cracking up. He has tears rolling down his eyes because DUDE. They're trapped in a porno and Sam's making bad puns and this? Is Dean's dream come true. Shit. Now _he's_ making bad sex-puns.

“Oh, real mature Dean,” Sam mutters glumly.

“Come on, dude, look on the bright side. You can make sure your dick still works!”

“I hate you,” Sam reiterates, incase Dean missed it the first time or didn't believe him. He doesn't stop Dean from going towards the mass of people who are writhing in the glen a couple of feet away.

“Got room for one more?” Dean asks jovially. The orgy stops at once and a frisson of fear sneaks down Sam's spine. This? Cannot be good. Moments later Dean is surrounded by scary-looking vampire women. That's what had been poking at the back of his head: the lack of men.

Dean swallows and says, “You know what? That's OK. I don't need--”

“Vaht are you?” a vampress hisses, her accent horribly campy. That doesn't stop her from being absolutely terrifying, with her pale eyes and sickly looking pallor. Dean shudders under her cold, dead touch. Real vampires don't got nuthin' on these fake ones.

“I'm, uh, a Dean,” he says, sidling away from her touch...and right into another vampire. They're circling around him, an ever-tightening noose

“A Dean?” The vampresses murmur amongst themselves, circling closer and closer to Dean. See? Dean needs to start listening to Sam. “Ve haf never heard of...a Dean.”

Creepily, they all stop moving as one. The vampress who talks cocks her head to one side and regards Dean. They all seem to come to a conclusion. “Ve vill fuck you.” Dean's pants flutter to the floor.

Oh right. Dean forgot they were in a porno for a second. Not sure how seeing as all the vampires were nearly naked.

“Vhat is _that?_ ” All the creepy vamps are staring at his dick with utter fascination. Dean hadn't been self conscious about anything involving sex since he was sixteen and figured out multiple orgasms. Fifteen vampires staring ravenously at his dick? Self conscious doesn't even begin to describe it.

“That's mine,” Sam announces, pushing his way into the circle. Dean doesn't know weather to be thankful that Sam's standing with him now or to glare at him because _that_ is _not_ his.

“You are a Dean as vell?”

“Huh?” Sam asks.

“NO!” Dean denies.

The vampires start shifting uneasily. Sam and Dean know exactly what that means: the natives are getting restless, and they're the first course. The queen vamp's fangs elongate and she's looking at them like Dean looks at a fifty-dollar steak.

Sam's thought process goes like this: They're trapped in a porno. With sex vampires from outer space. Who want to eat them both for lunch. They're trapped in a porno.

So Sam does the only logical thing and kisses Dean. It's sloppy and kind of off target, and Dean's lips are dry and chapped, but there's dead silence around them and the vampresses stop looking at them like they're dinner and start looking at them like they're dessert.

“Uh, Sam...” Dean starts.

“ **MORE** ," the queen vamp hisses. Dean can't help but be grateful for the interruption, because he isn't sure how he'd have ended that speech to Sam.

“Look,” Dean starts, “we're not really--” His shirt flutters to the floor in pieces. “More. Right, awesome, we can do that.” Dean spins around and hauls Sam's lips to his. The kiss is considerably better with Dean in the driver's seat. He ignores the fact that he's naked and Sam's not. He cracks an eye open and almost breaks the kiss; the vampires are going back to their orgy, hands touching and running all along the queen's flesh as she watches them. Sam makes a negative sound and pulls Dean back in.

Sam's...not bad. At the kissing thing. Once he has Dean showing him the ropes, but that's their life. So, it would seem, are cursed pornos.

Dean loses himself in the kiss. ('Not thinking about it, not thinking about it!' his conscious sing songs merrily.) He can rationalize this away—I mean, they _are_ trapped in a porno so strictly speaking, this isn't really happening. What happens in the porno stays in the prono. (Unless Dean finds someone really bendy and stretchy who can do that thing in _Yoga Chicks Gone Bad 4_ , in which case all bets are off.)

Something cold and tiny and not Sam wraps around his cock. Dean yelps and pulls out of the kiss, batting at the vampire hand wrapped around his dick. Sam growls (actually _growls_ and godDAMN is it hot) and steps between the vampire queen and his brother.

“Mine,” he says darkly. The Queen's lips stretch into a smile, fangs bared. Her finger trails down Sam's still-clothed shirt.

“You must prove this,” she says, and Dean wants to rip her hand off Sam and stake his own claim. Or just stake her. “Otherwise this Dean vill be mine.”

“Alright,” Sam agrees, not intending to go through with it, but then the queen rips his shirt and jeans off (the clothing must be of very poor construction for it to just give like that). Well, there's no hiding the fact that he's hard. Then again, Dean is too, so it's kind of a moot point.

When Sam turns back towards Dean, his brother glances at each vampress nervously.

“Dean?”

“Yeah Sam?”

“I don't hate you. It's just a mild dislike.”

“Thanks Sam.”

“Wanna have some _fun?_ ” Dean looks at him incredulously. “We _are_ trapped in a porno.”

Dean hesitates for a second. There's a whole mess of reasons this is a bad, bad, bad idea. But then that tiny voice asks, how many times are you going to get trapped in a porno?

“Also, I think we have to fuck someone to get out, and it's either you or...them.” Well that clenches it.

“Yeah Sammy. I wanna have lots of fun.”

The sex is _ridiculous._ They don't need any lube. Sam finds himself making loud pornstar noises, complete with breathy gems like, “Oh, Dean, fuck me with your tree-like cock” and “Yes! Yes! Make me see stars and pass oooooouut!”

Dean would laugh, but he's saying things like, “Ooooohhhhh, fuuuuuuuuck, yeah, yeah baby, oh fuck baby-Sammy, you're like crushed velvet and smooth silk. Take me baby, take it aaalllllll.”

When they come to, they're no longer in the wooden glade but in what looks like Frankenstein's layer...if the Frankenstein made really well-endowed chicks with a random smattering of stitches and red eyes. These are also quite taken with Sam and Dean's dicks, staring at them and trying to touch. This time Dean growls at them and they end up fucking on the cold lab table, the Brides writhing in a Winchester-induced orgy.

Dean's getting a big head. Sam groans. He's never watching a porno with a bad pun in it _ever again._

\--

They shift locations. This new scene makes them wish the vampires were back as it's populated by super-endowed were-creatures. By 'super,' Sam means both he and Dean pale at the size of those...monstrosities and run away as fast as they can. They don't get very far since the scene just...stops. A dark, immovable wall rises in front of them.

“I think we have to fuck to jump scenes,” Sam pants.

“You're saying we have to fuck our way out of the porno?”

“Yeah.”

“That's the first thing that's made sense this whole time.”

Sam takes one for the team and goes down on Dean. Despite having never done this before, he can deepthroat like a pro. Dean makes all kinds of gasps and moans and words of encouragement, chief amongst them “You're a good fuckin' cocksucker, swallow my man meat like the slut you are.” Sam would have cracked up, but he's a professional in here, and he takes pride in his work.

\--

They're never talking about what happened in the next scene. Never. Ever.

And they're never watching anything with sea creatures or tentacles ever again, either.

\--

In the last scene, Sam has to save Dean from dick-eating zombies. There's a small chance the zombies aren't _eating_ so much as _blowing_ , but they're NOT taking that chance.

Sam says Dean owes him for the rescue and fucks Dean over the back of a dilapidated couch. Dean's porn lines are, quite possibly, better than Sam's. One of them is, “Oh, yes! I'm trapped, my soul is trapped, free my soooouuuulll!” Sam starts laughing at that, hips snapping forward, and Dean's disgruntled retaliation is something along the lines of, “Oooohhh, I love your giant wookie, pound me harder!”

Sam's still laughing when they stumble out of the movie, clothed as they went in and no worse for the wear. They sprawl out side-by-side.

“They gave you all the good lines,” Dean grumbles. Sam snorts a laugh and the silence stretches between them again.

“Hey Dean.”

“Yeah Sam.”

“Next time, when we go through the storage unit, read the warning label.”

“That...might be a good idea.”

...

“Hey Sam.”

“Yeah?”

“Wanna write our own lines?” Sam turns his head to face Dean, who's looking at him expectantly.

“You know...I think we'd be good at that.”

Dean grins.

“Well, we can't do worse!”


End file.
